These bylaws are sacred and immutable. Any attempt to streamline, simplify, or make sense of them will be met with excessive paperwork and a strongly worded memo. 

The Law of Steps

No task shall be completed in fewer than three steps, even if only one is necessary. If a task can, with minimal effort, be turned into seven, it should. A straightforward solution is heresy and a council-approved flowchart must first be consulted if a straightforward solution is present.

Every Problem Must Have a Committee

No decision, no matter how trivial, shall be made without first forming a subcommittee to discuss, think through, and eventually table the issue for further review.

Supplies Over Solutions

Members are required to use at least three more tools than what is strictly neccessary for every task. 

Mandatory involvement Chain

All tasks require the consulting of at least three people who have no direct involvement in the matter at hand. At least one of the three should not be available when the task is to be solved.

The Redundancy Clause

If something has already been done once, do it again, just to be sure. Then create a backup version, and maybe a backup of the backup, just in case.

Unclear instructions

All instructions and manuals must use as much technical and inaccessible language as possible. Use as many referrals to information found elsewhere as permissible, and make finding the relevant information convoluted and full of steps.

Embrace the Illusion of Urgency

Every task, no matter how minor, must feel like a life-or-death situation. Deadlines shall be arbitrary, last-minute, and subject to change.

The Redundancy Clause

For clarity, every explanation, statement, or instruction must be repeated twice, in a different way, and then summarized. Just in case.

Planning perfectly

Tasks should only begin after the fullest amount of time has been spent planning, delaying, and making excuses. Start a simple email? First, attend a two-hour seminar on keyboard ergonomics.

Celebrate Every Milestone

Celebrate the completion of Step 1 of 47 with a full ceremonial meeting, complete with snacks, vague congratulatory speeches, and a slideshow that won’t load.

Documentation Overload

No task is complete until there are at least five pages of documentation nobody will read. Include a table of contents, even if there’s only one section.

All Meetings Must End with More Questions

No meeting shall conclude without adding at least two additional action items to the task at hand. Any sense of resolution must be immediately eradicated.